40th Birthday

[TSUPERFLY]

> Dear Diary:
>
>For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the
> dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
> local health club for me. Although I am still in
> great shape since playing on my college football
> team 15yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
> go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
> made my reservation with a personal trainer named
> Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old
> aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
> and swimwear.
>
>My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
> started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
> chart my progress.
>MONDAY:
>
>Started my day at 6:00am.
>
>Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
> when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
> waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
> goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
> dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
>
>She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
> She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
> attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
> aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way
> in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
> workout today.
>
>Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
> sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from
> holding it in the whole time she was around.
>
>This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>
>TUESDAY:
>
>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
> out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and
> push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
> weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
>worthwhile.
>
>I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
>WEDNESDAY:
>
>The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
> toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
>believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
>didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
>lot.
>Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other
>club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
>when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
>
>My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
> Belinda put me on the stair monster Why the hell
> would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
> told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
> life. She said some other shit too.
>THURSDAY:
>
>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
> teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled
> back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
> an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she
> was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
> She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
> me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
>
>
>FRIDAY:
>
>I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
> has ever hated any other human being in the history
> of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
> cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body
> I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat
> her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
> triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
> want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&**
> barbells or anything that weighs more than a
> sandwich.
>
>The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
> and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
> someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
> director?
>
> SATURDAY:
>
>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
> her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not
> show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
> smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
> the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
> catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
> SUNDAY:
>
>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
> over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
> other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
> --like a root canal or a vasectomy.